Anyway, today I have some the inside scoop for all customers out there. This applies to all of us, as we often find ourselves in this role, but it is specifically for those customers who do not or have not worked in retail. Those of us that do, or have worked retail probably know already know the truth inherent in what I'm about to say.

So here goes: As soon as you walk in the door to any retail business, and unless you are known there and well liked, you are immediately looked upon as a complete and utter idiot. No exceptions, no matter what level of education you've reached, no matter how much you have accomplished in your life, you are merely a drooling mouth breather who may as well have just come out of the head of some holler to purchase your monthly supply of lard, pigs feet, and food for your numerous coonhounds.

This impression is not without justification. It is taught in orientation, and is based on years of experience by retail professionals.

Perhaps the most interesting phenomenon retail workers witness day in and day out is that as soon as you, the customer, walk through the doors of our retail establishments you immediately become illiterate. Slap even a "Dick and Jane" level book in yours hands and you will stare at us blankly. "What is this strange thing?" you may ask. "It's full of weird markings, but the pictures are pretty. Look at the doggie chasing the butterfly. Hehe. The doggie looks happy."

Perhaps you believe that there is nothing worth reading in a retail store, and so you simply shut down that part of your brain, maybe hoping to save some of it for later. Unfortunately this common misconception just is not the case.

Take coupons, for instance. Many of you customers simply see a picture of a product on them, and a little number-looking thing in one corner that you assume represents some sort of monetary savings. However, there are actually words on that same slip of paper that are trying to convey meaning to your consumer-dimmed mind, some of which may benefit you to read. Sometimes those words may say that other items besides the one pictured (pretty picture! Ooooo!) will garner the same savings. Not only does this provide you with more variety, but it also helps the store to not run out of the pictured item simply because it is pictured and all you idiots think that it is the only one you can buy.

There are also many signs hanging in various parts of the store. While your dim bulb simply passes over these signs, thinking that printed on them are simply a collection of unimportant markings that you cannot possible understand, often times these signs will aid your shopping experience.

Lets say you have a coupon for an item, and you find where that item should be, but it's not there. Now, lets also say that there's a sign directly in front of where that item should be. Instead of freaking out and accosting the help, try reading the sign. You might find that it relates to your problem. Perhaps it even tells you that even though that particular item is missing, management has substituted the missing item with another item that is actually of greater value. You may find that it beats standing there with a confused and concerned expression on your face, staring at and around the space in which the missing item should dwell, and trying to muddle the situation through what we have already established as your pathetic, syphilitic brainpan.

Let us not even mention that if you and your ilk would bother to read said hypothetical coupon, and noticed that there were more than one option available to you, perhaps you would not even have to go through such strains as reading the sign hanging in front of the missing object for there would be no missing objection. Just because the picture on the coupon is a bag of, oh, let�s say, frozen peas, you might find a myriad of other frozen vegetables that would work with the coupon, perhaps one of which would be even more to your fancy than the pictured frozen peas. Then perhaps the frozen peas would be there for those customers who really wanted frozen peas, and you could take the frozen corn, which is might be much more to your liking. This would help ensure a more even distribution of the available products, rather than create an unnecessary run on frozen peas by a bunch of lazy, illiterate morons who don�t even have the sense to see that there are more options open to them than just peas!

Perhaps if just one person took the time to read the coupon and the sign, the poor bastard stocking the shelves in that aisle would only have to have the coupon waved in his face and get asked, �Ya got any of these peas?� 49 times, rather than 50. You would not BELIEVE what a difference that would make to that hapless stocker�s day.

This is all very hypothetical, of course.

In conclusion, realize that you, the customer, are an idiot. But also realize that you do not have to be. The way you conduct yourself outside the retail environment, such as reading books, magazines, the funnies, or even the goddamn street signs, can in fact be brought inside with you. Believe it or not, you too can read inside retail stores. Next time you�re shopping try it out. You might be amazed at the wonders you will undoubtedly find!

Wooderson

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