I was confronted today by a very nervous woman with a manufacturor's coupon. It seems she bought some product at our store with a coupon on the bottom for some sort of Jello product we do not carry. It seemed to her if we carried one product at our store, then we should also carry every single item that may happen to show up on the bottom of that container. She asked if we would substitute an item, and all we could tell her was to ask at customer service with a doubtful prognosis, considering we had no comparable products. She seemed very disatisfied, considering she'd had to coupon a whole month and still has nothing to do with it. Where do these people come from, the ones that are so forceful with their coupons?
I picture them arriving at college, memories of cornfield orgies attended by the senior class of some small midwestern town still fresh in thier minds, then graduating with an engagement ring and a BS in Husband Hunting.
Happiness soon turns to frustration as the husband lands the perfect job, and is only home long enough to pump her full of kids. After children, the frustration becomes more ingrained. Her natural feminine wiles no longer seem to be working, and she must by satin nighties and layers of lingerie to entice her husband to even notice her.
All she has left to her is children, televion, and coupons. She thinks her husband might be fucking one of the college interns at his office. Once the kids are in bed, she watches shows like Primetime and Dateline, which show her the infinite amount of ways companies can sodomize her. Frustration mixes with distrust and and anger.
Then she comes to the store and it refuses to stock the fucking product she can get for free with a coupon she found on the bottom of another product. What the fuck is happening here? What's the deal? Surely this is some ominous conspiracy.
The next Dateline will inevitably feature a story on the $4.5 Million coupon fraud bust they may have a link to terrorism, and understanding will dawn on her. She won't quite be able figure the details exactly, but somehow she will realize that our store is a terrorist front, and perhaps she will feel relieved we never got that product in, lest she have become an unwitting pawn in a global conspiracy of fraud and murder.
One thing is certain, she will never shop at a store as unscrupulous as ours again.
Wooderson
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